True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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