My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
