Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
