I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Randomize
