my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
