im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
me + whiskey = a bad person
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