after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
