I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
