I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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