His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
