Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Barsexuality is the new black.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
