i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
