We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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