I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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