Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
