I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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