Pappa wants mamma naked
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
