I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
