So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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