My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
