i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
