i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
