the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
BRING THE BAGELS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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