Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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