You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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