i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize