I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
