I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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