I must be too annoying 4 u.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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