So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
