1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
