now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it hurts more in the daytime
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
