I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
