Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
