I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
