There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
