Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
