ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
