There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He did a backflip because drugs
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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