i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
