So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
