apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
