What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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