Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
