i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
