just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
