I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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