He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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