one two three fourrrrnication!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
