omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
