Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
