Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
