dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
